In all the years the internet has been around in mass use, is there any phenomenon more intense, or simply insane than this kid Justin Bieber?

Like many, I don’t even know anything this dude sings. Nothing. I see him and just move on, or stop listening. I have no reason for it. I just know that he is everywhere and he is basically gone from me not knowing who he is to background noise.

Regardless of me not knowing anything of his talents I still find the entire concept of him fascinating from an internet standpoint. While teen heartthrobs have been around forever, there has never been a perfect storm such as this one where a guy became known from just a few Youtube videos (which basically made him internet boomstick all by itself) to th most talked about person in the world. For like 2 years.

I actually kind of admire his scam. His team of marketing guys have trolled the holy hell out of everyone and gotten this guy more exposure than anyone I can ever remember. The fact that he rarely has negative press for being a jackass makes it even more astounding considering that he probably has a camera inside his brain monitoring his thoughts and turning them into waves of teen sex candy that is then emitted to every satellite in the universe and burned into homes and brains with super space age technology microchips that are inhaled through the ventilation systems in every public school. Yup. That is real.

What is most disturbing about all this is the amount of RAGE this guy instigates. 12 year-old fangirls are understandable. They are just easily influenced and coming into horniness. The sad part is that people of all ages spend more time talking smack about this guy than they do anything else. I wouldn’t be shocked to see the number of the new best desktops being tossed and kicked to pieces being in the thousands with the excuse being: Justin Bieber.

Just look at his new movie on IMDb.com. While I have already posted about people on IMDb being the dumbest people on the internet, this page and its message board may make you stab yourself reading it. It is the culmination of everything stupid that ever stupided in history of stupid.

Not only do the haters spend as much, if not more time hating him than the blind fans do loving him, they even put in the effort to make sure that this movie is the lowest rated of all-time. A few days ago the movie was rated a 1.4/10. Today it is rated at an astounding 1.1/10. It is unfathomable how this is actually possible really considering that this guy has so many fans.

It isn’t possible to get a rating this low just from a bunch of kids either. GROWN men and women literally have to be part of the campaign to rate down a movie by a 16 YEAR OLD KID to get the score this low. Unless you want to blame /b/ for it all, but seriously they can’t take credit for this.

IMDb will eventually say it’s a documentary and it won’t be eligible for the “250 Worst”. Making the whole campaign (yes there is a campaign on the message board here with hundreds of messages. Turn your brain to goo by reading it) even more absurd, and painful to watch.

This is so disgusting that there is literally a topic on that board right now titled: “Justin Bieber is sleeping at the back of the bus, you have a knife …” with the message saying “What would you do?”. Can you believe this crap? I don’t care how morbid your sense of humor is, I’m not sure you are mentally fit to post on a message board if these are your thoughts.

If it wasn’t so incredibly sad, I might find these haters something to laugh at. I just can’t though. If there was ever a case of group think it would be this.

This is a great moment in human psychology and its history. This case is so extreme that it may be appropriate for books to be written about how insane these people are. I actually have a short story in mind for it if I ever feel like writing it one day…which is probably never.

A lot of people talking about him this week after his Golden Globes hosting. Bunch of uppity old folks are upset that he was “mean” to some people. While anyone with a modest sense of humor probably wouldn’t be offended. I didn’t find him all that funny personally since everything he said was basically a rehash of jokes people have been using the last 10 years.

He took some shots at celebs that really haven’t even been that relevant in recent years for what he was talking about. Guys like Charlie Sheen picking up hookers, Robert Downey Jr. being a drunk and drug addict, etc. This stuff is so OLD! Can’t see how anyone would be offended except maybe that the jokes were too old for them.

Anyways, it almost is like just because of the backlash many people all of a sudden think he is awesome. Dude has been around forever. Not like this is even close to the best stuff he has done. While Americans may not like his ORIGINAL version of The Office as much as the U.S. version he still has quite a bit of other material out there. A lot of standup that is actually “Funny” compared to the Golden Globes rubbish. He was even in GTA IV in the comedy club. He’s also a pretty outspoken atheist which a lot of people may have seen from him too. HE has a few mediocre movies. Nothing memorable IMO. Better than a le creuset cookware infomercial surely, but not a buy DVD type.

I guess I’m more annoyed than anything about all the praise and the backlash he’s getting. It deserves neither.

Anyways, I thought I’d post a couple funny Gervais clips. The first one isn’t really stand up, or anything. It’s just him hanging out with Elmo from Sesame Street and is hilarious. Second one is some stand up comedy to give you an idea of why nobody should be surprised with his GG jokes.

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I’m sure there are memes out there about this awards appearance, but I’m not wasting my time looking for them.

Guess I should post about this since it appears I never have. I see it so often now that it is only natural to assume that I had posted about it before at some point. I see I have not!

So what the hell is “Troll Physics”? Also known as “Troll Science” it is a ridiculous look at pseudo-science that answers the greatest questions in human history in he comic adventures of Trollface:

While I could talk about the scientific adventures of Trollface and his endeavors into Life, the universe, and everything, I think I will just hand it over to a much more cleverly worded description of this fad to Encyclopedia Dramatica. I am going to play with my ps3 bundle and try to figure out how to get all the crap off my old PS3 and unlock the great world of protected save files made so losers can’t copy other loser’s save files and get mindless trophies!

Such experiments have led to amazing discoveries of methods of creating infinite energy, infinite money, as well as successful human time travel, among other things. It often features in 4chan threads, often to the delight of the retarded inhabitants there, who will often believe they have stumbled upon a genius idea.

I have seen people claim that this fad started as late as November 2010, but this is absurd. Trollface has been around since the internets. 4chan just never found him and science combined together a fad until then I guess and this is where the name of “Troll Physics” started to roll into everyday meme land.

Think you have something insightful, or interesting to say about a Youtube video? Don’t bother. People don’t care. Repetition is the key to Youtube comment fame as long as you are early. That and spamming the hell out of the like button. That’s right…the system is broken as all hell.

What makes for a high rated Youtube comment? Watching a video and then posting lines from the video word for word, but only after saying something like “I liked the part when he said…”, and this usually ends up being the funniest line in the video. (ie. I liked the part when he said I like Turtles”) This is by far the most liked kind of comment on Youtube. Every popular video will either be this or just a plain direct quote of a line from the video.

Ever notice videos where they have 300 likes and the comment isn’t one of these lines, while basically every other comment has no likes, or just a couple? Obviously nobody likes this comment that much.

I believe, and I have tested this before, that if you go to the “view all comments” page and just start pounding on the like button for a comment over and over and over, that Youtube actually counts it. I am not making this up. I have seen it countless times and even tried it from different locations just to see if it works. Obviously if you are on the same computer/IP address you may think it is just fooling you that it counted them all. I have done it at different locations and seen it show up at the other under a different account. Try it yourself and let me know how it works. “I like turdholes” on a video about double rainbows being the #1 comment isn’t possible otherwise. Might be possible on a video about say….dual diagnosis, but not Double Rainbows OMG SO INTENSE!

Other high quality comment like situations are out there, but that is #1 by far.

Another top one is “X# of people missed the like button because…”, or the variation of “X# people got ______ by whoever is in the video doing something awesome” implying that the people are idiots and the person doing the awesome did it to them so they are “u mad”. OR “X# of people are justin beiber/Twilight fans”

“Thumbs up if you are viewer number 657,000″ or any number if a video all of a sudden is broken and it doesn’t count views anymore appears.

“Thumbs up if you like this videoz!!1!!1″

“The best part was when it was over”

“Twilight sucks” is gold for dozens of thumbs up.

“Justing Bieber is gay” is good.

“Fake and gay”

By all accounts you must stay away from these 3 types of comments:

1. Love it. Check out my vids here: ht t p : / / ww w. y o utu b e.co m/ ineedtodie

2. Any comment that says you like to do porn, pose nude, etc. and you are ugly as hell.

3. Any variation of the chain letters (click here for list of them):

“Because you have opened this… you will get kissed on the nearest possible Friday by the love of your life… if you don’t break the chain. Tomorrow will be the best day of your life. However, if you don’t send this to at least 10 people by the stroke of midnight tonight you will be forever cursed in love. Just copy and paste this.. Good Luck!”

So…this is my “off the top of my head” list of comments I see on every video with over 50,000 views, as well as how to scam the comments theory I have. If you have more like “This is REAL music not like this Lil’ Wayne, 50 cent BS….” I would love to hear them. Happy commenting.

Instead of saying something like this to the children of Pamela Anderson: “Why hello my dear old fellow. I have just seen something that has made me think fondly of my younger days. Tell me now, sir…does this picture of your mum naked give you fond memories as well? I was rather infatuated with her in my pre-pubescent days old chap, and this image makes me quite excited today. My wife shall have great intercourse this fine day as I am now quite in the mood for a loving evening at home.” Instead you would say “Dude, I just nostalgia’d so hard on that pic of your mom”.

The term “Nostalgia’d” just encompasses the long drawn out explanation of why you are posting a video of something nobody likes, or can’t believe they ever liked in one word. That random picture you see of Voltron, video of an old Saturday morning short about a “bill on capitol hill”, or any other old form of entertainment that you haven’t thought of in many years, but reminds you of safe, warm, and fuzzy days.

So…at times you may see someone say “I just nostalgia’d hard” and they are about to show you something amazing to them. They may even challenge you to not be nostalgia’d by such a display. You will likely make a comment that says you have never even heard of such a thing, and that the poster is a loser. This is the proper response in most situations as they probably are a loser if they use this phrase openly on a public forum. You should not be insecure about telling them so, and even suggesting that they find their father’s mens ties and tie them around his neck.