Crap TV Flashbacks: Harper’s Island

You like incredibly awful horror movies? You find that they are never scary, but they still say they are in the “horror” genre? How about some half-assed mystery thrown in that you can call the second it is introduced, but you are too goddamned stupid to turn it off thinking (this is a clear sign you have done to many drugs) that MAYBE, just maybe they may have slipped one by you? Obviously you like to watch 19 year-old girls take off their shirts and get chased by a psycho who was abused by their mother so you stick around. OF course that doesn’t happen on TV. So you are left with all the bad stuff, but you still watch it.

Welcome to Harper’s Island. Before the episode even starts you have to be asking yourself…”Who in the hell thought that (“One by one…”) was clever, or scary?” If you have seen this show you know what I mean. This is one of those intros that they lay that on you at the very end EVERY. SINGLE . TIME. and you just start to get angry before the episode even starts.

Oh…this was some awful 13 episode show that was on some channel last year, but for some reason while streaming on Netflix I watched an episode….and then 12 more. All the while jamming plasma mounts into my ears and eye sockets to try and prevent me from continuing. I did not succeed.

So…I watched the entire series. Yes…this show was only made 13 episodes, much like the other piece of rubbish on right now called Person’s Unknown that already got shifted to Saturdays because nobody gives a flying fart about it….except me of course. Train wreck, car crash, you get the idea.

To this day I don’t remember a damn thing about this show. Nothing. I just remember that I knew who the “killer” was by the 3rd episode and it took them 7-8 more before they broke out the “twist”, which frankly I had figured out so long ago I spent 8 episodes trying to conjure up something even more ridiculous by giving them the benefit of the doubt. I was so lost in mediocrity by then that I was actually quite happy with them using my idea from 8 episodes earlier and throwing it back in my face after being lulled to sleep by my own wandering mind. I’ve been awake for 23 hours so if any of this makes sense I’m quite surprised.

Here…watch the PROMO for Harper’s FREAKIN’ Island…One by one…hurrrrr durrrrrrrrrrrr

JApanese Blow Your Mind: Stacking Food On Animals

The title says it all. The Japanese have blown my mind. They have a game show, or at least I assume it is a game show in which people stack food on animals. Yup…as far as I can tell this is what the show is about. They stack dog treats, bones, etc. on animals and see how many they can get before the animal decides enough is enough.

You feel sorry for the first dog as you see him drooling hardcore wanting to eat the food. Of course he wins in the end and gets a feast, but it looks like he is gonna cry for real for a bit.

The big winner is you though. Not only do you get to see animals with food stacked on them, but you see a monkey wearing a Gumby t-shirt! Not dressed up in some sort of Gumby Halloween costume unfortunately, but it works. That’s right a monkey wearing a Gumby t-shirt while someone stacks bananas on/around him.

Enjoy having your mind blown.

Nothing Words To Live By: Hurr Durrr, Meh, Heh, DAR

The internet gets pretty intense at times. So much so that you may not even be able to string together words to show your RAGE at a troll, or someone else that is too stupid to write a complete sentence. This is when you show your true laziness and just go with the things that make the internet great. Nothing words.

When someone is saying things that are so stupid you can’t even comprehend them enough to respond it is time to use terms that make no sense. Like grunts and noises in word form. Also, it is used for terrible insults that are so bad that you don’t even care to respond like a human. Like some guy telling you “Ur Mom”, or get some quick weight loss tips tubby”. Here are two examples of these words:

Hurr Durr“: Just say it. Doesn’t it sounds like it hurts? It should hurt if you do it right. Nothing shows more disgust than using this term. It shows you just can’t even lower yourself to make a coherent response.

DAR, or dar, or darrrr“: Literally the same meaning as “hurr durrr” , but a slight variation and much faster. String together more R’s to drive your point home. Maybe even holding down R for 10 lines of a message box.

Sometimes something is funny. Well slightly amusing. Sick of “lawling, and lulzing”? It wasn’t really that funny was it? Just say what you really did:

Heh

Did someone think they said something clever, or funny? Did you watch something that you thought might be entertaining, or play a game you thought you would like, but were totally underwhelmed? IS whatever it is the definition of mediocrity? This is when you just use this term to display your disgust at wasting your time:

Meh

Nothing words. The way the internet should be because the words look like they sound.

It’s Not Sexism If a Scientist Says It

People on the internet are a lot of things. Racist obviously, conspiracy nuts as well, supporters of communism and socialism for the majority, and of course the internet is sexist. Certainly everyone can laugh at gems such as these:

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Ok.”
“Women’s Rights…lolololololol”

OR

“Go make me a sammich.”

While not telling super models that they are 3./10 and that you have had better, or tellign them they need to find the best wrinkle cream for their 22 year-old faces, you should be looking for scientific proof.

Today, a man by the name of Boris Morukov, project director of some sort of 520 day fake Mars trip where 6 dudes are in isolation together, presented evidence of the clear inferiority of women. I will give you the full section from this article to see it in complete context. Is it out of place, or just plain necessary?

“HARDER FOR WOMEN IN ISOLATION”

Though over a thousand women applied for the venture — which dictates “astronauts” must be under 185cm (6ft 1in) — females are notably absent from the mission.

“It is harder for a woman to be taken out of life and put in isolation,” said Mars500 project director Boris Morukov.

“The most important thing here is motivation, and limitations would upset women. You’re not allowed to talk on a telephone,” he added.

The crewmembers said they would miss women terribly during the simulated trip but that the sacrifice was worth it.

“It will be hard but I just try to recall all the great travelers who found the New World and who were also without their families,” Sitev said.

Last year four Russians, one German and a Frenchman successfully completed a 105-day simulated space trip at the same institute.

People Who Spray Axe, and/or Tag On Their Genitals

I guess common sense doesn’t come into play here when you are too lazy to wash your balls right idiot? Let me just tell you what happens before you go off and do it so I don’t have to hear this story again from the 50th person to do it and feel the need to discuss it. I’m surprised I haven;t seen a slide show of this being done yet. IT WILL BURN YOUR BALLS. IT WILL HURT. So after all that you have to wash them anyways to get the pain away.

Now, you probably want to go off and do it immediately because you love the pain, but if you actually ever do get laid put more thought into it. Do you think ladies like the taste of Axe body spray? Do you want a blow job, with extra effort? Do you want your BJ finished? Quit putting rank ass stuff on your nuts that will immediately end your BJ. Wash your balls regularly and splash some powder down there to keep them things from getting musty.

Next Page »