Internet. Serious Business.

That’s you Mr. Omega. I love your name so fucking much, I’m gonna call you Awesome-o from now on.

Thank you for replying so swiftly. And for supplying me with your ID card. I gotta say, I’m not impressed with the U.N. Surely they could spring for a more professional looking card. I mean that looks like it was hastily thrown together in paint or some crap. Not cool, yo.

Another thing: Awesome-o, my man, you’re too formal! Could you tell me a bit about yourself? I make it a point to know about the people I deal with. I’m sure you understand my position. In America, we call that position the “reverse cowgirl.” I’d like you to answer the following questions:

1. Do you have a wife and kids?
2. What’s your favorite color?
3. If you could be an animal, what animal would you be?

Please respond to these questions, as it is important for me to get to know you.

Yours admiringly,

Buht Fokker
Chaiman/CEO DVDA Inc.

P.S. You look like a well-fed mofo! Not like those starving guys you always see on the news! I always thought all people in Africa looked like that. Thanks for educating me, lunchbox!!

From Buht Fokker to Goodness

Dear Goodness,

I’ve heard from the lawyer, and he informed me about all that I must do.
I also have some more news. I was talking to my girlfriend, and explained the whole situation to her. I know, I know, you wanted me to keep this on the down-low, but she’s cool, she won’t talk. And if she does, I’ll bust her lip wide open. I already told you I was from Alabama, didn’t I?

Anyways, my girlfriend would very much like to meet you, when you get here. You two can gossip about..hair..and stickers..or whatever the hell it is you hos talk about. I’ve enclosed a picture of her. Isn’t she beautiful? Be honest, please. I know that you, being the God-fearing woman you are, would never lie, or cheat. Or steal. It’s just wrong isn’t it? I hope all thieves and fraudsters get cancer and die in house fires.

Take care Goodness, you’ll be outta there faster than you can say, “let’s 69 , then spit my load back in my mouth, like the snowballing freaks we are.” Yup, as quick as that.

Tantalizingly,

That’s right, lunchbox. I’m not calling your fat ass “Awesome-o” ever again. I thought you were cool, man. What the hell? I asked you for one little thing. I just like to know about the people I’m dealing with. Is that so much to ask? It’s company policy to get a small amount of information, before we begin deals with people. Clearly you’re too busy feasting on roots and paste, or whatever it is you people eat, to do serious business with me. You’re making my balls convulse in anger. Well screw that.

I’m a nice guy, though. I’ll give you another chance. Just reply to those three questions, and I shall send you the information, straight away. Then our business shall be concluded, and I never have to see your fat ass again.
I am a reasonable man, lunchbox. I assure you that the information shall be sent to you as soon as you answer my questions. Don’t let me down.

Disappointedly,

Why aren’t you replying to my emails? S’up, yo? Maybe you’re not serious about doing this? I thought we were like that? (I’m crossing my fingers). Listen, I think that lawyer you put me in contact with is a bit of a useless fag. The guy is beyond incompetent. I asked him three questions, and he flew off the handle, and started crying and shit. Well fuck that.

I have an idea. Why don’t I fly to Senegal, and pick you up? That way, you’ll be able to come to the U.S straight away, and we can bring the money, too. Or sort out the transfer whilst you’re here. I understand that it might be difficult to get you out of the country, though. To that end, I’ve arranged for an excellent friend of mine to bust you out, should things get too hairy. His name is Jonathan Rambeau. He’s like an ex-green beret or something. Dude once went into, like, Russia, on his own, and took down a helicopter, and a small army. At least I think it was Russia…All those eastern Europeans look the same to me. I’ve enclosed a photo of the guy. He’s far more dangerous than he looks. He once impregnated a yak, just by looking at it.

Please email me back as soon as you can. We can have you out of the country by next week.

Stay cool,

Buht Fokker
Chairman/CEO DVDA Inc.